Lost in Randomness.

I am not having a very good week. I am exhausted and everytime I turn around I seem to either fail at something or make myself look stupid or both.


Not being able to wake-up puts me in a very random mood, like someone has taken a whole bunch of flashback sequences and editted them together with all the sound out of sync and the joiner tape is slipping as the film winds through the projector.


I remember my first night in the hills; living in Montrose in a dysfunctional couples back room, watching Jai smoke endless cones out of a filthy looking bucket bong wondering what went wrong... our neighbours across the street used to sit on their back porch and shoot rabbits in their back yard... Kate picking arguements at the dinner table, with me sitting between her and Jai as if I had turned invisible... Kate's friend with a beer in one hand, cigarette in the other telling me she had cancer and shouldn't drink or smoke but 'What do they know anyway?!'... getting lost on my way home and finding a drug bust... touching the cancerous lump and the smile on her face whilst I did so... riding to Frankston to score pot with Jai drunk behind the wheel... being drunk and alone and drowning in work and beer at dawn...


...I remember... feeling angry at wasting half my life on buses and trains just to have a social life; being cold and half sick whilst three guys tried to scam blowjobs off an underage girl on the nightrider bus at 3am... I remember how dangerous Mooroolbark felt in the weeks after Chris Bourke was killed; all the graffiti and goon skins, and bored angry high schoolers in their hooded tops making idle threats to passer-bys... the first time I ever saw a fist fight on the train over a broken last cigarette and how the blood seeped out all over the floor... the pregnant 16 year old on her way to the women's shelter trying to share her potato chips with a carriage of people who were trying to pretend she didn't exist; she thought that she had a boyfriend who was Scottish royalty by birthright... and the speed freak that threatened to fire bomb the trainstation after they closed the toilets...


...all the stuff that happens during the empty moments and lost days...


...the life of trainstations, bus stops and suburban sprawl out of control...


...the endless cycle of work>eat>sleep...


...the things that happen in that life we live whilst waiting for something better...


...wating for... motivation... inspiration... sleep take hold... the computer to boot... the phone to ring... the rent to get paid by flatmates $180 in debt to some drug dealer somewhere... the life you are living to become a shrinking speck in your rearview mirror...


...waiting for everything to feel alright again, like you remember it feeling sometime before, some time you can't place and don't really remember but are sure must have existed.