obligation free

It's so quiet out here... living here is like needing to sneeze right in the middle of a funeral service, there is never a 'right moment' to interrupt. I have been feeling very strange lately, maybe it is this place but that feeling you get when you are standing out the front of a class who are ignoring you has spilled over into my everyday life... every time I speak, move or do anything I feel like I am cutting in. It is almost as if my every gesture is some kind of hostile take-over and so I stay in doors and recreate myself... the apology incarnate.


People at work keep asking me if I need any help... they want to know if I am going okay with my class load... 'How's the year started out for you?' they ask, ready for me to confide in them... I wonder how they would react to me if I said that turning up to work every day is the easy part? Everyone seems so eager to help... but with what? Have I slipped that far? Am I only deluded into thinking I am holding my shit together? Does my deodorant no longer cover over that stench of desperation?


(Maybe it's time to switch brands?!)


The days out here feel so BLANK, they just disappear and me along with them... rolling like waves of radiation or ghosts... things that never really were... dreams... time moves too quickly out here and nothing happens... it's a desert, uninhabitable space... a hostile land and yet I find it difficult to imagine being elsewhere.


I suppose it is like unrequited love... that dream of a better place just out of reach.


Obligation free, no self improvement necessary.